Japan Haul

Top left H&M, top right Bershka, bottom left Forever21 and bottom right RM12 thrift shop.

Everything I bought from H&M and Forever21 was all UNDER RM35. Isn't it crazy? I know I sure went crazy in H&M. Literally had to find something to put back on the rack before paying. Plus, I clearly saw our local H&M selling the grey cardigan for RM59! Also finally gotten around to getting myself midi skirts because short bodycon skirts just don't seem right anymore. Unless you're going clubbing. Which I don't. The halter chiffon singlets from Bershka was RM9 each, so I bought 2 colors because I was an indecisive piece of shit. Plus they're backless too. If that isn't a steal I don't know what is. Everything else in Bershka wasn't worth it though.

RM12 SHOP!! Everything was RM12! Some new stuff, some second hand, but it's one of those shops that have all kinds of hidden treasures. Tees, canvas shoes, typo-ish stationary, phone covers, aka my kind of place hahaha.

MOAR COSMETICS to fuel my lipstick obsession HAHAHA GOD KNOWS WHY I'M SO OBSESSED when my lips are always too chapped and dry to put on anything. Plus I'm always removing it 1-2 hours later. BUT STILL. Anyway, they were cheap. Like below RM10 kind of cheap.. And the quality is great! Other than that: BB cream (which I don't use but I thought I would. Obviously.), blush, highlighter, concealer stick and a water removable mascara because I'm a lazy bitch. Everything I own is water removable can you believe it (also explains why I leave my house looking on fleek but go home looking.. bad).

Wooden organizer from Daiso (everything is RM3 and there's like 3 floors of Daiso.. Could not get enough of it) which I put all my small necklaces in because it's about time I got my shit together.

From a shop called Natural Kitchen (???) that sells cute knick knacks for RM3. Kind of like typo-meets-wooden-kitchen (?????). Bought seasonal notebooks for RM1 each (yes I'd like to know why isn't there one for spring?) for souvenirs, some twine (Because you never know when you might need to tie someone up. With twine.) and wooden pegs (for a moment there I couldn't put my finger on the term for "pegs" so I almost considered putting in "pugs" or "plugs" and leaving it at that) (I'm a banking finance UOL major and I can't remember PEGS)

Don't you feel like you're reading one of those blogs that will rot your brain cells? :) (Pls also refer to previous post on cockroaches if you'd like you feel your brain cells decompose faster. You're welcome.)

Traumatized for life

I have a morbid fear of cockroaches. I absolutely despise them to no end. They always say cockroaches are more afraid of you than you are of them. I wield this knowledge when it comes to spiders, lizards and various other critters... But cockroaches are different. You'd think being the bigger species = intimidation superiority. No. This is simply because they just don't feel fear. They're not intelligent enough to feel that kind of emotion. Survival instinct? None. They've lived for so long and survived this far, survival instinct should be redundant by now.

I can't even begin to describe the countless times I've had cockroaches crawled on and even flown to my face, but tonight I am particularly pissed because it's 3am and I'm hungry. It is... The snacking hour. And I'm pissed. I cannot even cross the threshold into the kitchen without being AMBUSHED. AMBUSHED I TELL YOU. THIS PUNY THIS COCKROACH RAN TOWARDS ME and I thought, what a small little bugger, and proceeded to hunt for something to kill it. While doing so, A LARGER FRIEND WAS CRAWLING UP MY PANTS THIS WHOLE TIME. AMBUSHED. I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT FEELING. I'd normally attempt to kill them but 2?? At the same time?? Too much all at once. Without backup (aka dog), I'm overwhelmed. Yes my dog also sleeps according to human time. I'd wake the bugger up but it would also involve waking the whole house with it.

So now I am back in my room feeling pissed and hungry all at the same time. This is a bad combination of emotions.

All I can say is AT LEAST I have water in my room. I may starve but at least I won't die of thirst lol.

I might regret this deranged update tomorrow. Perhaps when I'm feeling more sensible and less hungry.

Japan 2015

Just some snippets of my trip to Japan. Originally thought I'd give up on blogging and focus more on studying but lately, I find myself writing a lot (the useless sort of writing lol) and its kind of therapeutic. Been jotting down every thought and mindless ramble when I was on my trip cause I just didn't want to forget like THIS moment in Japan and how it felt and whatnot. A bit stupid if you think about it, when you've invariably more important things to think about, like assignments and studies, I wonder a lot when and how will I make time for myself to do things that I enjoy.

VSCO

Since I had time to kill seeing as I don't sleep anymore, I uploaded and updated my VSCO with pictures of my Switzerland/Italy trip that has been rotting, tucked away in a little corner of a folder in the dustiest depths of my computer. Pictures that has never seen the light of day lolol. So why not compile them somewhere so that, you know, I can view from time to time and others could, too. Will be uploading more pictures on here from now on.

Rest assured, there will be no pictures of my face AT ALL because god knows my Instagram has enough of that LOL. I've been thinking a lot lately that I should get it deleted..

Anyway, warning, my VSCO contains a lot of pictures that are probably too over-exposed, too saturated and too grainy but I'm far to lazy to be re-editing. And also because I'm satisfied with how my feed looks heh.

Go visit at dearmadeleine.vsco.co or search for me @dearmadeleine if you have VSCO!

Insomnia

Long time no doggie pic!

I've been having real trouble sleeping lately, which is weird considering how much I love my sleep. I'd stay up awake in bed for a few hours until 6am, by which the birds are already up and awake and joyously singing while I'm grumpy as fuck. It didn't even occur to me that I might have insomnia.

Sometimes when I do fall asleep, I get these little episodes. I call them sleep attacks cause I don't really know what it is. It's definitely not sleep paralysis because I've had them before and I'm quite surprised it hasn't hit me again at this time. I'd fall asleep and have really really vivid dreams. They're not scary but it's.. Messy. Like thousands of printed images crumpled up and being thrown at you all at once. It's hard to describe, but it makes me panic in my sleep and that's when I know they're just dreams and I've got to WAKE THE FUCK UP. Which is hard considering how every part of you, your fingers, toes, everywhere is in sleeping mode. Like a zombie. I can feel my fingers but they're stiff and cold and my head just feels like a rock on a pillow. When I DO finally, you know, wake the fuck up, well, it's tough trying to stay awake after that, which is ironic because before that I was having a tough time falling asleep wtf. I feel like I'm hovering on consciousness and unconsciousness, kind of like a falling sensation, and if I do fall back asleep, the cycle just repeats. Some nights its just episode after episode after episode.

Wanna sleep also cannot. Sleep d then have to get up and stay awake. LSJajsJLSJOASJalk HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SUCH INJUSTICE?!

It's also funny how time passes VERY fast when you're awake all night. Huh. It felt like only an hour ago that I was trying to fall asleep at 6am, when it was actually 12 hours ago. THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN A DAY.

My appetite has also been deteriorating lately. My stomach is constantly growling (holy fuck that one time I recorded my stomach growling, it was so loud in the video it sounds like constant farting I swear, I was pretty impressed) yet when I actually sit down in front of food.. My stomach just stops growling and I'm not hungry again. It's like food itself is making me lose my appetite, which is ironic AGAIN. Even my precious Shihlin cannot awaken the beast inside (that is, my stomach), and if you know me you'd know that EVERY MEAL NOT CONSISTING OF SHIHLIN IS A WASTE OF DIGESTIVE SPACE and that there is a very special place in my belly reserved for Shihlin.

But today.. Today aha. I will kick insomnia in the butt. As of right now, I have not had any sleep in 24 hours, so hopefully tonight I would be so tired, I'd drop dead to the world. That is, if we don't throw in sleep attacks as a factor.

Being awake for so long is also probably the reason why this post sounds a bit deranged right now.

And no, it isn't that time of the month.

xoxo, gossip girl.

Wait wat



Update: I slept.

Happy 2015!

Happy new years guys! Here's to making new memories in the year ahead, both the good and the bad.

To cap off 2014, I graduated from A-Levels, traveled to Korea with the family and Bangkok with the friends, started UOL at HELP, met a lot of new, amazing people, got closer to my existing friends and family.. So far, it has been a good year. Sure, I've had my downs, hurt and disappointed myself, but I would say that I've been in a worse place in 2013, 2012.. or 2011 or 2010. Aiya it goes on la, the typical teen phase. Speaking of which, I will be turning the big 20 in two months time, which is hard to believe. I honestly still think I look and act like.. I dunno. What would you think hahaha. Maybe in 2015, I would take things more seriously. Take on more responsibilities and start focusing on whats important.. Probably even this space would be redundant again, but that's a good thing right.

Damn my critical thinking skills lecturer would be happy about this reflection than the piece of crap assignment on self reflection I turned in lol. *Insert references*

Anyway, happy 2015 everyone else! Hope 2015 will be better for everyone else. Here's other pics of the other night xx

Christmas special

Christmas was a bit different this year.. No staying up till 12am (lolol what staying up?? Normal sleeping time also 6am fml), wishing everyone Merry Christmas, opening presents, trying to persuade your doberman to let go of that christmas ornament or else (I swear it isn't even funny anymore).. I kind of missed that. I never realized how important that was to me until now.

Spent christmas with this bunch of people at, of all places, Kuala Selangor. Not exactly very christmassy, but it was fun nonetheless. Errrr at least the fireflies do make up for good christmas lightings HAHAHA.

Stayed at Fireflies Park Resort. At first it seemed a bit, well, unlike most hotels I'm used to: big, shiny and clean. It was so last minute and spontaneous anyway so what did we expect hahaha. It's a water chalet, but in reality its more like just little huts sitting on a swamp. Probably only slightly more atas than Shrek's swamp hahaha. Not that we minded, I'd prefer the company > accommodation any day please.

Uh, maybe except the toilet la hahaha. The door couldn't close and there wasn't any warm water.. So I survived on 3 small scoops of boiled kettle water + cold water LOL aiya one day mandi kerbau won't drop dead stinking with flies one la.

Had awesome seafood for our christmas dins!

Also went to go see the firefiles at the Kampung Kuantan Fireflies Park. It was RM50 per boat, which fits up to 4 people.. And it wasn't anything like we expected seriously. Before this, we all sort of imagined it to be swarms of fireflies in the air, surrounding the boats and all, but it isn't anything like that. Its just a short trip down the river, no fireflies in sight. If you look hard enough at the bushes along the river, it does look somewhat like little Christmas trees, which is actually quite pretty, but not as marvelous or as enchanting as everyone thinks. I did managed to catch one though, and it's adorable! They fly really slow and they're not afraid of people catching them. It was so pretty watching it sit, glowing on your hand in the dark, then watching it fly away. Unfortunately, no, it's really not a place for photo opportunities as everything is pitch black, but I wish I could!

I guess even though it's not really the traditional Christmas I'm used to, it was still pretty darn amazing. Few years ago, I would've never thought I'd have friends like these, now I do and I must be pretty lucky. Or just normal. 

Finals are over!

Back after a long time.. Been quite busy with my mocks finals and all, and let me just say that UOL is.. TOUGH. SPM was stressful, A Levels was stressful and somewhat hard, but UOL is just on another level. A whole other level, not even exaggerating it. At least for A-levels, you kind of get the basics from SPM and whatnot, but for UOL, there's a whole leap. No "continuing" learning, not based on what you've already learned previously, no. For once in a long long time, I actually felt really helpless and stupid, and quite frankly, not being big-headed or anything but I've NEVER went into an exam hall and feel like I don't know anything, and I've NEVER felt like I just needed to pass, instead of getting an A as I usually aim for (*ahem fucking economics again, the one freaking subject that ruined my A-levels cert), and it's not like I didn't study or anything. No wonder the dropout rate last year for UOL was a whopping 50%, but not that I would ever consider such a thing. Disappointed in myself, but I'm giving myself a break right now before I dive nose first into my studies again.

In other news.. Piconut launched (kinda) and business has been ok. Not overwhelming but not not enough. Well, enough to the point that I had to sell the stuff that I originally wanted to keep for myself, so its not bad, thank you guys for being nice and supportive! Also haven't been 100% invested in business lately because of finals and now that I'm pretty free, I've opened preorders again and restocking, and also bringing in new things in a few weeks time, hopefully people will find it really cheap and affordable, unlike the things that I currently have in store because the quality is really good so good quality = expensive. Someone asked if its called piconut because I couldn't decide between pineapple and coconut HAHAHA but no, I had two hamsters called Pico and Nutso so that's where its from. Have I mentioned how much I've missed having hamsters?

A lot.

Anyway, hopefully with my free time right now I will be able to finish a few sewing projects I started agesssss ago and have some quality time to myself (aka Dota, drama and sleeping with no guilt conscience hehe). So here's to the holidays, Merry Christmas everyone! God knows I need it.

Opinions.. When is it enough?

Yeah I get that people have a right to freedom of speech, and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and such. Your opinion and mine may differ but it doesn't mean that one is right and the other one is wrong either, but when is it enough? How much or how far do you go before its.. too much?

I realize that when it comes to voicing out our own opinions.. We rarely keep them in check anymore. I mean, it is the 21st century what right. We tweet, we blog, we update on our every thought and opinion ranging from anything from food to sensitive topics etc etc... And I've come to realize that people (probably myself included) these days tend to go overboard. Yeah yeah I know, freedom of speech and all but you also need to have a limit. I personally tell myself that if its a nasty opinion on something, I'd keep it to myself.. I try, at least. Some people just don't care. Why give fucks freely after all, right? But if you want to look like an insensitive git then by all means, go ahead.

Bottom line is, you CAN say whatever you want, but people just don't quite understand how to exercise restraint when it comes to humiliating, downgrading others and sensitive topics *silently judging you*

September Haul

I remember when I used to be so into pastels and florals. Now I've kinda grew out of it and I'm obsessed with neutral, monotonous colors. Basically trying to go for a minimalistic look. Probably my favourite piece out of the bunch is the leather skirt, I could probably throw anything go with it and it would still look like I put in effort lol. Or is it the grey cardi? Can't decide which one I love more: badass or preppy?

In other news.. Well, not that I really need the money, but I thought it'd be great if I was earning a bit of my own money instead of just spending, so I'll be bringing in ready stocks and opening preorder for some clothes & accessories. I guess you could say this is some sort of a preview?

Wish me luck! xx

The friendzone

Because obviously 140 characters ain't enough for a rant so here we go, yet again *inhales deeply

For years I never really thought much about this term "friendzoned". We throw it around and make jokes about it, and I never really gave much thought about it until I saw this pic that was quite popular on 9gag:

This is the moment when it hit me. 

Are you implying that by being nice to a girl, you are entitled to a relationship or sex? And when that doesn't happen, its friendzoned???

WHAT ON MOTHER EARTH. 

First off, you should be nice to a girl because its the RIGHT THING TO DO. It's basic etiquette. And I'm not just talking about girls, but everyone in general. Shouldn't you treat people nicely just because, well, its right? DON'T TREAT A GIRL NICE JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES LIKE GETTING INTO HER PANTS OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. Similarly, don't just be nice to people just because you're looking to get rewarded. Thats just not how its works. 

Just because you treat a girl nice, doesn't mean she owes you anything and you are not entitled to anything either (misogynistic much) You think developing feelings for someone very easy is it. No. Its much much more complicated than that. Who knows what it takes? Chemistry? Butterflies? Better connection? Do you think feelings are like a switch you can flip on and off? Why do guys think that it is absolutely necessary for girls to like them by just being nice, when being nice is a normality and it is generally a courteous thing to do?

No matter how nice you treat a girl to win her heart, you are also forgetting that girls have a choice as human beings. Just because you're nice to girl, doesn't mean she has to choose you. She has every right to make choices and even if that choice doesn't involve being with you or even if it's a worse-off choice, it is her choice and it does not mean that she's wrong or she's a bitch. It may be unfortunate for you, yes, but it is not her fault.

Also.. Is the "friendzone" really such a bad place to be at? Can't two different genders just be friends without any need for sexual attraction or whatever it is? Why must some guys prioritize getting a girl than just being friends first?

Whatever it is, when I saw that pic on 9gag I instantly imagine a guy sitting behind his computer, carefully plotting his intricately drawn pie chart of "why I'm single" because all his Nice Guy attempts have not resulted in a GIRLFRIEND. SOUND SO BITTER AND SAD CAN. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE YOU'RE NICE. What fucking sad logic is that? How on earth did you manage to come up with that conclusion? I dunno what happened to you man but that isn't the reason why. You've got your pie chart all wrong. If you do not have a girlfriend, I'm pretty sure it's NOT because you're nice. It could be anything else (ahem PERSONALITY) but definitely not this. Never have I ever heard a girl telling me "I didn't like him because he was nice". Ever.

Just to be fair, I guess it is frustrating for some guys who are just unlucky, who treats girls nicely all the time but in turn always ended up disappointed and hurt. Well, I can't really say I understand, but to these guys so never wavered and never complained about being friendzoned because he was "too nice", I really really commend you. There is no such thing as being too nice. One day you're bound to be with someone who truly appreciates how you treat her and you deserve that.

And yeah, I understand that there are girls who take advantage of guys being nice to them, who know well fully how these guys feel about them and yet they still choose to lead guys on. But that is a rant for another day LOLOL. Ya I very chiong hei, dunno meh.

Also please read this. Extremely relevant:

(By Alisse Desrosiers, Feminspire)

Note: not talking about ALL GUYS in general but only SOME (ahem *the thousands of ppl on 9gag who shared and liked that pic*) and luckily none of my guy friends are like this.. But I DO know of guys who are like this though. How did you think I came across this 9gag pic if they didn't share it? :p

Ok and I swear last rant post. I think.

Body shaming

Lol whut. So the solution to end body shaming on mainstream media is... Badum-tss more body shaming!!! THATS THE WAY TO GO SOCIETY YEAH!!!

Skinny? Curvy? Average? FUCK THAT FUCK ALL OF YOU, BODY SHAMING IS THE WAY TO GO!! Cause, you know, instead of like discouraging body shaming as a whole, we end body shaming with MORE BODY SHAMING. Its amazing right, just like probably how we end cancer by inducing MORE CANCER!!! Thats right, this doesn't make sense, neither does treating body shaming with more body shaming makes sense either. Her point there was that other people must hurt to understand how other people ALSO hurt.

What the fuck logic is that? Isn't the reasonable thing is to STOP body shaming ALTOGETHER? Nobody gets hurt, win win. Also, not meant to be insensitive but please show me a song lyric that glorifies being skinny... Please do. I will probably get into an accident in my car and then die from a seizure if a song like that comes on the radio. Instead, I'm listening to Anaconda and All About That Bass constantly on our mainstream media.

Now, I don't have a problem with these songs. I really don't because I'm pass the point where I let media influence me and my thoughts. If anything I sing along to All About That Bass cause it's catchy. (OMG PAUSE GUYS, CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT ALL ABOUT THAT BASS FOR A SEC? My god, I've never heard of such a hypocritical, self-contradicting song. She said "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top", which is good right? You'd think she was promoting self love for your own body regardless of size. NOPE. She goes ahead and sing about how "Boys like a little more to hold at night" and "I won't be no stick figure silicon barbie doll" sorry Meghan did you just eat your words??)

(2nd time typing this cause blogger didn't save - yet again) Self-insecurity, self-comparison and pressures that stems from seeing other people's bodies on the media is human nature. It is normal to want something you don't have. Normal to focus on different aspects of the media and feel inadequate, like being told you're not good enough or you should look a certain way to be considered beautiful. Probably just like larger women, they are groomed and governed to think that skinny is good and skinny is beautiful, just by watching skinny ass bitches stomping down runways. But from MY point of view of being a skinny ass.. Media has always taught me that curvier is better. At times I feel very insecure about my body, and I constantly wish I had bigger hips, bigger boobs etc etc. Just bigger. Because I'm groomed by a different aspect of our media. I see beautiful hot chicks in bikinis, in films with meat (because seriously, who the fuck wants to see bones in a bikini?) and people around me quoting things like "real women have curves" or "only dogs go for bones, real men go for meat" (if you have not heard of these infamous quotes by body shaming nobodies, what rock have you been under?!) and various mainstream songs (All About That Bass, Anaconda) while some people only notice skinny bitches on runways and even skinnier bitches being photoshopped thinner in magazines. You say the mainstream media is ONLY encouraging being skinny but I say thats wrong. It depends on what aspect of the media YOU focus on. 

Now, I'm not saying that skinny girls have it worse, my point is no matter your body size, no matter how big or small you are or regardless of being skinny or curvy, we've all been there before, only in different ways. We all hurt in different ways, but hurt nevertheless by our body size and what we perceive from media. It doesn't seem right to bash on a different body type when we were once there on the receiving end. Ultimately in the end, we are all female, and shouldn't we stick together and encourage one another that beauty is not defined by a particular body size? (Also if you are a self claimed feminist but hate on a certain body type.. Sorry bitch you ain't no feminist pls go enroll yourself into a feminism class and understand how it works)

As of 2014, do you see ANYONE glorifying and celebrating women of all shapes and sizes? Is there a song lyric on how beautiful all sizes are (except probably Who Says by Selena Gomez)? No? Hahahaha you'd think being in the 21st century, people would've figured out that glorifying skinny or curvy are both wrong, glorifying and celebrating ALL SHAPES AND SIZES IS THE WAY TO GO. Humanity as a whole has evolved so much, but at 2014 people's thinking are still so narrow. Must a person fit into a specific category (skinny/curvy) to be beautiful? 

Also, let me put this here:

But mind you, it would not have been right for someone to sing about "fat bitches" as it is singing about "fuck skinny bitches", double standards or not. Like I said, instead of encouraging body shaming, why not end it altogether?

And also these:

(It was so so hard trying to type out this rant post because body size is somewhat a sensitive topic. Also, as usual, it felt hard trying to translate my thoughts into words so I hope my point gets across somehow within the jumble of words without offending anyone)